When I was around the age of 9, some strange things began to happen to my body. I noticed that I kept feeling a compulsion to jerk my head. It was kind of like a quick nod that was a jerk or a twitch. I also noticed that when I went to the plate to bat in softball I would go through a ritual where I would tap my elbows against the side of my body, touch my chin on each side to my shoulders, spit to my right and then to my left and then I was ready to step into the batter’s box to wait for the pitch.
My parents started to notice my twitches and jerks and took me to a psychologist for about five sessions, but I was never told what he diagnosed was wrong. I sensed there was something wrong with me physically. But that was not new because when I was six years old, I started to wear glasses for my poor eyesight, carried an inhaler in my pocket for my asthma and had severe allergies.
So, I went through elementary school seeing myself as a sneezing, wheezing, and twitching kid. I concluded that something in me was broken and I grew up feeling that I was defective. It was not until I was my mid 20’s that I learned I had Tourette’s Syndrome. However, the work of shame had already done its destructive work in my thinking, and I hated having a body that seemed out of my control.
I can even remember in High School laying on the floor watching television with my parents on the sofa behind me and my father saying to me; “Can’t you sit still?” Well, no, actually I could not sit still. So, for years I lived trying to minimize the movements of my body and if anyone noticed my jerks and asked if I were ok I would lie and say; “I have the hick-ups.”
Therefore, the next few verses in Psalm 139 have meant so much to me and to anyone who has what some might call a handicap. A handicap is making the judgment that anything that is out of the range of normal is terrible. I don’t believe that anymore because of these verses.
“For You formed my inward parts;
You wove me in my mother’s womb.
I will give thanks to You,
for I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
Wonderful are Your works,
And my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from You,
When I was made in secret,
And skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth;
Your eyes have seen my unformed substance;
And in Your book, were all written
The days that were ordained for me,
When as yet, there was not one of them.” (verses 13-16)
As I have aged, I have grown wiser. I have learned that what I thought were flaws or mistakes in my physical body are merely what God wanted me to have. And in having them, I would learn from them, and they would be used by God to make me the man that I am today. In overcoming these issues strengths has been formed that make me a better man and more loving toward others.
Do you realize that the same is true of you? God literally knitted you together while you were developing in your mother’s womb. He formed the DNA that has created you into the person you are. It was in my accepting that and thanking God for the way He made me that a sense of peace entered my heart and mind. I realized that I am exactly how God wanted me to be and even though that has created some difficulties for me to overcome, it has been in the overcoming that I have become a better person.
I think that is one of the reasons I love working with people who are sexually broken. Pornography and sex have ravished the hearts and minds of millions of people. Shame fills our thoughts as we isolate and do not let anybody inside of our real self. Then, we come to the false conclusion that we are unlovable and wicked to the core.
My friend, I invite you to come out of the dark basement of your soul where you have been hiding because of shame and fear. Do you have a problem, yes but so does everybody else. Come out of the basement of hiding and be willing to admit that you are sexually broken. Join me and hundreds of others who are walking out of this sin that so easily entangles and join an Online Support Team so we can partner with you. We will help you learn to walk in freedom and then you will know the joy of helping others as well.
Can you pray this prayer with me?
“Abba Father, Lord Jesus and Holy Spirit, thank you that you love me and have always loved me. Thank you that you created me in your image and you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Please fill me with your Spirit and enable me to walk in the Spirit today so that I do not fulfill the desires of the flesh. And help me to put on the full armor of God so that I can stand strong against the powers of evil working against me today.”