True Intimacy Without Sex ~ blog

 In Daily Encouragement

Would you say you are more interested in…sex or intimacy? Sex is what we are raised to desire in our sexual saturated world.  Here are some of the “Every Day” statistics.

  • 25% of all internet queries are related to porn.
  • 116,000 queries for child porn are received.
  • 2.5 Billion emails containing porn are sent or received

Also, 40 Million Americans regularly visit porn sites and 33% of porn viewers are women.


What do you think is driving this massive trend of people, even “good” Christian people becoming addicted to sexual sin?  My belief is that porn and or sex offer a quick and very easy temporary solution to a deeper issue.  Now, there can be a number of issues driving this behavior we could call root causes and discover and addressing them is very important.

However, what I think everyone has in common is there is a built-in need for all of us to desire true intimacy.  Sex feels like true intimacy, but it is not. Sex can be a profound act of physical intimacy within a context of emotional and spiritual unity.  Or it can be an act of pure lust where one is giving themselves sexual experiences all alone using porn or even their imagination. Or one using someone else as a means of having an orgasm. These powerful feelings of pleasure feel like intimacy but are definitely not and they go as fast as they come.

Sexual intimacy is what God designed when He created us. He designed sexual intimacy to be experienced within a marriage of two people fully giving themselves to each other and keeping themselves from everyone else. This type of sexual intimacy becomes a precious gift they give each other and grows deeper and more valuable as the year’s pass.

However, even though their intentions are right so many things in marriage happen where this incredible and precious giving of themselves to one another becomes a pawn in trying to get what they want from each other.  Then it ceases to be intimacy and becomes an act of pleasure that can bring sexual release but does not scratch the deeper itch of true intimacy or true oneness with one another.

However, here is my questions in all of this. Is marriage the answer for one to be able to be having true intimacy?  Why does it seem that so many single people think their longing for intimacy will be found after they are married?  Why do so many married people wonder why they are not having true intimacy even if they are having sex with their spouse?  And why are so many pissed off that their spouse is not fulfilling their need for intimacy?

I once said to my wife very early in my recovery as I was trying to understand how I had gotten to this place of complete brokenness. I realized there was a hole in me the size of the Grand Canyon.  I felt so empty inside and I said to my wife;

“There is a hole in me the size of the Grand Canyon

and you could fill it up so easily.”

And her immediate and wise response was; “No, I can’t.”  You know…she was right.  This huge hole in my being was not being filled with 26 years of marriage, 4 incredible children, a successful career in ministry and a promising future.  In fact, I realized that there was nothing at all that could fill up that void.  Which is why Pascal wrote;

“There is a God-shaped vacuum in the heart of each man which cannot be satisfied by any created thing but only by God the Creator, made known through Jesus Christ.”

I now know that this deep-down desire for intimacy cannot be filled with marriage, career, family, and success.  The only one who can fill it is God the Father, God the Son, and God the Spirit.  God and God alone can fulfill or deepest longings and help us to be at peace within ourselves.

Only He has the capacity to grant unto us a sense of true fulfillment and an ability to be content in all circumstances.  Only He is able to be connected with us 24/7/365 and to know our needs before we even feel them.  Only He has the wisdom to give us enough of what we truly need and not all we desire.

This oneness you are longing for must be found in your relationship with God. This pain of loneliness, anger, and rejection He alone has the power to soothe. It is never going to be someone else who will “complete” you.  You might think they can or will if you marry only to find they have a hole in them as large as the one in you.

So, the only way for us to have true intimacy that only our relationship with God can fulfill is to invest the time it takes for that to happen. We all would like Jesus Himself to someday ring our doorbell and for us to answer the door and have Him touch us and make everything perfect.  Can we get Jesus delivered in a box from Amazon?  No, not at all.

However, Jesus did tell his disciples that after He leaves, He would send the Holy Spirit who would not only be with them but that He would be in them.  He did that at Pentecost for all of them and He did that for you the day you accepted Christ.

And yet, the gift of the Spirit seems to be the unwrapped present that very few take the time to open.  Maybe after work, after my next promotion, after I binge online and watching the next new show on Netflix. Maybe after the hours of social media.

True intimacy can only be found coming from God and tomorrow we will begin to talk about how to make that happen.

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