My Top 10 Reasons You are Addicted to Porn ~ blog

 In Daily Encouragement

Since the 15-year Anniversary of my Train Wreck is 2 days away I thought I would glean from what I have learned and experienced and try to help you. Actually, I have already been doing that 6 days a week since January 1st, 2012. However, if there is one thing that should come with time and experience it just might be some wisdom.

Although, struggling with porn for 40 years did not yield any good fruit or wisdom because it was my secret life. I liked it. It was there when I needed an escape and soothed me when I was hurting. And with the internet, she became always available which was the last thing I really needed. There was little reflection on why I was doing this and why I should stop. Until what I was doing took me over the edge and if known would certainly end my career as a pastor and perhaps even my marriage.

My career as a pastor for 26 years ended September 9th, 2005. That needed to happen because I could no longer fulfill the requirements of being an elder. However, by the sheer and utter grace of God, my wife and I are still married (41 years) and enjoying some of the fruits of doing the work needed to stay together. Although there are still times of deep regret and sorrow. However, as James tells us, our trials can produce endurance, and endurance will help us at least become better (not perfect), and more complete.

I know some of you reading this are desperate. You have done things that you believe you could never confess to your wife and yet you cannot seem to stop.

It is indeed that battle that you cannot win

but you cannot afford to lose.

It is that perfect spot between the rock and the hard place and the devil is delighting in what seems to be your unsolvable problem and beating you over the head with shame, fear, and guilt.

I know what it is like to earnestly repent and cast yourself on the mercies of God crying out that He would take these desires from you…yet they remain and after a time of slumber seem to come back with a vengeance. Eventually, you will move past anger and into hate. Hating yourself, hating others, and perhaps even hating God for allowing this to continue in your life.

You wander through the dark land of doubt. Questioning the things that once felt true, but because of the continuing failures you are experiencing, it is easier to doubt and blame God than to do what YOU really need to be doing. Then, even when you begin to do the things God tells us to do the battle does not get easier but seems to intensify.

The enemy sends Goliath into the ring and you forgot your slingshot and see not one smooth stone available. So, you continue to be beaten and fail over and over again. However, you are reading this or listening to this because you still have some shred of hope and believe that God the Father, Jesus the Lord, and the Spirit your comforter will finish this work they have begun in you regardless of how far you have fallen and how destroyed you feel your life is like.

The time for me to meet with my 3 deacons who were coming to my office to confront me about the rumors they heard was fast approaching on that Friday morning. I knew this was going to be a total train wreck with perhaps everything I held dear would be utterly destroyed with little to no hope my marriage and family would survive.

I kneeled onto my living room floor resting my elbows on the sofa and cried out to God. It was not a weeping cry of how sorry I was for what I had done. It was a cry of asking that He would walk with me through this coming disaster and that I would surrender everything in my life to Him and allow Him to pick up the pieces.

There was no bargaining with God. I only made one promise.  I would tell the absolute truth, allowing whatever disaster needed to happen to take place, and trust that He would walk with me through it all. I would not try to fix things by shading the truth or withholding vital information. I would reap what I had sown. It was time for my secret sins to be found out and I would believe that God would do whatever needed to be done.

It was a moment of unconditional surrender. There would be no quid pro quo. I would surrender myself completely to whatever He wanted to have happen and not try to fix it myself. Years of me trying to fix it only led me to the disaster I was about to experience. My best plans yielded these worst results.

I could do this because if there is one thing I did know for sure was that God loved me. He loved my wife and family and He would be completely faithful and just. He had knitted me together in my mother’s womb and gave me life. He had saved me from my spiritual death and gave me spiritual life. He screams at me of His love proving it on the cross.

And He has done far more than I could have ever expected and never deserved. I have been bathed in His mercies and astounded at His grace. I know His love more than I have ever known. I am so grateful for all that He has done in my, my wife, my children, and for all the men and women 180 Ministries is able to help.

I know many of you are thankful for how 180 has been helpful to you and that God has brought us into your life. However, I am equally thankful that has brought healing into my life so that I might share with you how He can bring healing into your life.

I am unbelievably thankful that you are a part of my life and my recovery and hope that you will pass on to others who need as much help as we all do…every day.

Tomorrow I will begin sharing with you my top 10 reasons why we became addicted to porn and how to begin a solid recovery.

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