How Can You Make Progress in Your Recovery? ~ blog

People tend to think that once they make the decision to stop using porn things are going to get better. So, let’s test that theory. Have you ever made the decision to stop using porn?  Since that moment have you actually stopped using porn?  I assume if you are reading this your answer to that second question is a definite NO. Therefore, we can rightly come to the conclusion that this equation of recovery from porn is FALSE.

Deciding to Stop Using Porn = Stopped Using Porn

Just like deciding to lose weight does make the pounds fall off.  Deciding to get in better physical shape does nothing for increasing your strength. Deciding to play the piano does not enable you to play the piano. You get my drift? Deciding to do anything is simply the mental step of crossing a starting line but only puts you one step closer to the finish line. Therefore, I have come to this conclusion.

Recovery from Sexual Brokenness is not

a Mental Decision but a Physical Process.

Deciding to begin recovery is the easy part. In fact, how many times have you decided you would do that? Let’s just make a ballpark guess…about a million times? Ok, that is probably an exaggeration.  So, let’s make an educated guess. Take your age, subtract maybe 10 years – the years before any kind of sexual experience happened in your life. Take that number, more or less depending on your own history, and multiply it by 52, the number of weeks in a year, and what is that number?

So, my recovery process began when I was 52 years old, minus 10 equals 42 years. Times 52 weeks in a year, equals 2184 weeks. Now multiply how many times a week I decided to stop using porn. If it was every week then it was 2,184 times or if it was daily it would be 15,288 times. Sometimes it was more than once a day.

The absolute best number of times would be one time. You decided to stop, and you stopped. Congratulations you are the most self-controlled man in the history of mankind. However, for the rest of us, we have to admit deciding we needed to stop has been a part of our lives for a very long time.

My true and actual recovery began on September 9th, 2005.  That was 5,383 days ago or 129,192 hours ago or 7,751,520 minutes ago or 465,091,200 seconds ago give or take a few.

During that time, I have had 8 falls, meaning 8 times I either looked at porn, pleasured myself sexually, or did both. For the past two years, I feel I have been healed from my sexual addiction not because I only decided to stop but because I daily made that decision, and then I did the work I needed to do to be able to stop.

During that time, I have helped literally thousands of men and women on this journey as we continue to keep trying to stop by doing the work necessary to stop every day.  With that in mind I have decided it might be helpful to lay out for you the things I have learned on my journey so that you too might make these choices and take these actions and continue to make progress in this life-long process I call;

“Sanctification by Transformation.”

Those words are kind of long and complicated, 5 and 4 syllables can be hard…so let me rephrase that;

“Becoming more Holy by Sinning Less,

By means of the Holy Spirit Changing Me.”

As I have been on this journey there have been many ups and downs, successes, and failures but I never gave up and have always learned from my mistakes. So, now I feel ready to give you a way for you to measure your recovery and identify the steps along the way so you can see your progress, and in seeing that progress you can be encouraged. This is very important because all along the way our enemy is going to be dropping bombs on you, telling you lies, causing self-loathing, and urging you to return to your vomit.

The very first thing you need to decide to do is to come clean. Just telling yourself you have decided to stop obviously has not worked. We easily delude ourselves thinking we really mean it this time and are as sincere as hell. However, that has not worked in the past and will not work in the future.

So, let’s start with a truth you need to remember to guard you against discouragement if perchance you get all excited, committed, and think you are going to escape what has been inescapable. Before you open your mouth and proclaim to your wife, family, and friends that you have been delivered and will never use porn again.  That truth is;

Recovery is Not Perfection it is Making Progress

I know…listen, I really know it can be exciting and motivating to believe that you are really going to stop this time. You promise to God and to anyone else you want to and believe that making this promise is going to help you.  And in the moment, it feels like it will be the missing link, the silver bullet that is going to actually work this time.  But promises made in the setting of confession to loved ones you have just harmed seem strong at the time but are only a mist that gets easily burned away when temptation comes. You know I am right.

The reality is Perfection WILL COME, but not until we get to heaven. But saying to your wife; “I promise I will never look at porn and act out ever again.” Will most likely not happen until you are in heaven or the nursing home has no Wi-Fi.

So, don’t set your hope and sights on perfection. Stop making more empty promises. Instead understand that what you need to do is commit to making progress, doing what it takes to take one step at a time one day at a time, being honest with yourself, God, and others, and be willing to learn from your mistakes. Because here is another truth;

Recovery is Not a Procedure…it is a Process

And tomorrow I will meet you at your starting line and begin to teach you the things you can expect to see happen along the journey of your recovery from your sexual brokenness. It is easy to start but hard to make progress, but I will show you the signposts along the way so that you can be encouraged that you are actually making true progress.

Perfection will arrive in heaven but let’s just focus on crossing the starting line and taking the first most vital steps.

“Crossing the starting line may be an act of courage but crossing the finish line is an act of faith. Faith is what keeps us going when nothing else will. Faith is the emotion that will give you victory over your past, the demons in your soul, & all of those voices that tell you what you can & cannot do & can & cannot be.”

― John “The Penguin” Bingham

More tomorrow …

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